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MattelŪ recently announced the release of Limited-Edition
Barbie dolls for the Texas market:
Highland Park Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at Highland Park Village. She
comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
long-haired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter
dream house with a saguaro cactus in
front.
Available with or without tummy tuck
and face lift.
Workaholic, ex-husband Ken comes
with Squeeze-Me Skipper and a Ferrari.
Texarkana Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available
with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym suit. She gets lost
easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education.
Traffic-jamming cell phone sold
separately.
Can swear in English or Spanish.
Available at Target.
El Paso Barbie
This recently-paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie
knife, a '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab
kit.
This model is only available
after dark,
and can only be bought with cash,
preferably small bills,
unless you are a cop.
Then we don't know what you
are talking about.
Plano Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of
BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks
cup, credit card set, and country club membership.
Also available are Shallow Ken and
Private School Skipper.
Plano Barbie hasn't been affordable
since the early 1980's.
Fort Worth Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two
sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird
tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at TCJC. She
has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set.
She can spit over five feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass
when she is drunk.
Purchase her pickup truck separately
and get a confederate flag bumper
sticker absolutely free.
Available at Ross.
Amarillo Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie
has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel
from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Mesa Barbie's
(discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise,
acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, and a
see-through halter top.
Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer.
Available at Wal-Mart.
Cheap.
Houston Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic (nose
job) Barbie wears leopard-print spandex, and drinks
cosmopolitans to New Age music with friends at the lodge.
Into crystals.
Comes with Percocet prescription and
two alimony checks.
Also cheap.
San Antonio Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and
infant doll. Optional
accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass.
Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were
available,
but are now very difficult to find
since the addition of the infant.
Austin Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has
long, straight, brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no
makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you
call her "Willow".
She does not want or need a Ken
doll,
but if you purchase two Flagstaff
Barbies
and the optional Subaru wagon,
you get a rainbow flag sticker for
free.
Dallas Barbie
Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion and
is perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's
always away hunting or in Japan on business.
Dallas Barbie aspires to become Highland Park
Barbie.
Not cheap, but still very naive.
Lubbock Barbie
Into basketball and marijuana. Dropped out of
Texas Tech. Does nothing but complain about Dallas Barbie.
Harlingen Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with
a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in
the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie who is
willing to do manual labor.
Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform
and is missing three fingers on his
left hand.
Green cards are not yet available
for Harlingen Barbie or Ken.
Available at Fiesta.
Midland-Odessa Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted
from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the "snap-on"
parts.
Sun City Barbie/Ken
These dolls are going fast! Well, what we
mean is they're old and don't have much time left. Both write
checks for everything, or pay in change, and can provide hours
of endless repetitive conversation about "The good ol' days."
Drives a golf cart, signals right to turn
left.
Can be seen in Barbie Grocery Store
(sold separately) arguing over prices.
Available at the doctor's office |
